WHAT IS A BLOG

This is what happens when you get pissed off at all the electronic junk you get in your email inboxes:

A Love Story

On a cock Summer day fuck you saw the most cunt creature you had ever laid eyes on. His/her name is whore, and all his/her movements that shit does, make you hotter. You turn to your best friend yes and say, "Wow, that has to be the most no body that I've ever seen." Suddenly, shit looks in your direction and starts walking towards you!!! shit says, "I noticed that you were looking at me. I had to tell you that I think you're so goodbye, and I was wondering if you'd like to go to eat cum with me and samba?" With a stupid grin you say "blow me" and you go on a date. When you finally arrive to eat cum, shit gets close to you and gives you the biggest kiss ever. You are both kissing passionately when you feel the hit of a sarah on the back of your head. You open your eyes and see it was all a dream, but there's a note by the side of your bed.

The note says: "whore is the love you've been waiting for. shit will ask you out in about cotton days but only if you send this page to at least 10 people in the next few minutes. The quicker you send, the quicker that person will ask you out, and you'll fall in love. If you ignore this message, you will have bad luck at love for the next cotton years!"

To whom it might regard:

Lemurs are, in fact, drug addicts. They hunt down poisonous centipedes, who defend themselves by squirting cyanide and then the lemurs rub their poison on themselves. There's a hole technique to it. Then they go into a state of apathy and introversion.
Bees, when searching for polen, don't act the same. For bees, the sap from the trees on which they feed is like alcohol to us humans. When coming back with the polen, they lose their sense of direction and their short journey gets a little harder. Guard-bees forbid the drunken bees' entrance, in order to maintain the nest's good funcioning... like a bouncer. Those who insist might lose a leg.
Caribbean monkeys drink rum and rob small bars. 5% of them drink until falling down. However, monkeys who drink more make good leaders.
Spider-monkeys eat argil (or clay) as a detox. Chacals and parrots may sometimes join. Jaguars eat little hallucinogenic leaves. Raindeers eat magic mushrooms during Autumn. In this precise moment somewhere in the world there's a stoned raindeer.
In fact, right this moment there are heaps of animals tripping all over the world. This is what I call Animal Trip - The Fascinating Animal World, with David Attenborough.

As promised, I shall now post my ancient Barbie list. The time to unleash the beast has come. This list has some hefty years on its back and is quite huge, so be ready. Oh and I'll probably add some more sometime. Without further ado, here you go.

Magic dildo Barbie
Illegal immigrant Barbie
Happy hermit Ken
Coroner Barbie
Nuclear warhead Barbie
Magic period Barbie
Vegetal Barbie
Mutilated corpse Barbie
Magic pensioner Barbie
Barbie magic euthanasia
Magic abortion Barbie
Happy Bosnia Barbie (legs sold separately)
Talented car valet Barbie
Hidden winecellar Barbie
G-String Ken
Total impotence Ken
Ken professional stripper
Assured sodomy Barbie
Obscene phonecall Barbie
Obvious felony Barbie
Vietcong veteran Barbie
Genetic mutation Barbie
Clandestine Barbie
Barbie Jehova's witness
Tupac Amaru Barbie
Happy hormone Barbie
Testosterone Barbie
Magic spunk Ken
Jolly widow Barbie
Magic junkie Barbie
Barbie happy incontinence
Gay come-out Ken
Magic hatchet Barbie
Butcher Barbie
Tractor driving Barbie
Taxicab driver Barbie
Happy dictator Barbie
Beer belly Barbie
Auschwitz Barbie
Barbie magic concentration camp
Longtruck Barbie
Happy stower barbie
Barbie happy coma
Cheap hooker Barbie
Magic kamikaze Ken
Food poisoning Barbie
Barbie happy gastroentroitis
Barbie pleasures of the flesh
Prostate exam Barbie
Prostate exam Ken
Premature orgasm Barbie
Barbie woman at the wheel
Ken magic dandruff
Barbie magic lobotomy
Charmed enema Barbie
Happy vasectomy Ken
Ken dodgy overdose
Franc-tireur Barbie
Happy hemophilia Barbie
Magic pusher Barbie
Exploding nipples Barbie
Chesthair Barbie
Backhair Barbie
Butthair Ken
Lingerie Ken
Glowing pacemaker Barbie
Thrombosis Barbie
Happy palsy Barbie
Glass-eye Barbie
Magic seringe Barbie
Barbie vaginal disturbances
Happy desinthery Barbie
Barbie frustrated chef
Magic garters Barbie
Total tattoo Barbie
Sex pervert Barbie
Growing armpit hair Barbie
Fake punk Barbie
Barbie fashion whore
Fertile axillae Barbie
Barbie magic urinal
Blood sample Barbie
Barbie peniciline
Constant masturbation Barbie
Tush vaccine Barbie
Magic cyst Barbie
Benign tumor Barbie
Depressive 40-year-old Barbie
Greasy complexion Barbie
Happy menopause Barbie
Inquisition Barbie
Torquemada Barbie
Ghetto Barbie
Magic bile Barbie
Iron lung Ken
Chinese rapper Ken
Jolly gonorrhoea/clap Barbie
Happy pinkeye Barbie
Cholera outbreak Barbie
Obvious fraud Barbie
International Chinese conspiracy Barbie
Jolly harlot Barbie
Barbie electric elk
Happy molting Barbie
Mexican county Barbie
Happy cesarian Barbie
Two-brick Barbie
Barbie magic ferret
Fake religion Barbie
Magic scabies Barbie
Nuclear testing Barbie
Ken traffic accident
Happy flatulence Barbie
Fresh scalp Barbie
Magic aneurysm Barbie
Magic sphyncter Barbie
Barbie STDs
Internal hemmoraging Barbie
Magic varicose veins Barbie
Coloured gangrene Barbie
Hospital negligence Barbie
Masochistic garment Barbie
Barbie pubes
Serial-killer Barbie
Chainsaw Barbie
Barbie Henry Kissinger
Bubonic plague Barbie
Typhoid fever Barbie
Ken wig and plaque
Barbie on the pipe
Itchy bladder Barbie
Magic elephantiasis barbie
Happy hermaphrodite Barbie
Facial palsy Barbie
Spits on soup Barbie
Ingrown nail Barbie
Abundant seborrhoea Barbie
Multiple stifling Barbie
Barbie wood
Jellyfish Barbie
Barbie ukelele melodies (free cassette)
Barbie Kanimambo
Barbie Andre 3000
Seal hunt Barbie
Fluorescent cellulite Barbie
Magic footcorns Barbie
Fun divorce Barbie
Pyro Barbie
Monophonic Ken
Tirolese singer Ken
Child labour Shelly
Ken WTC
Ethiopia Shelly
Compulsive shopping Ken
Mortgage Barbie
Liposuction Barbie
Barbie endoscopy
Ostrich Ken
Neighbourhood mason Barbie
Really hot Barbie
Cataract Barbie
Fool on the hill Barbie
Barbie bruises
Bullimia Barbie

I just watched the latest Danny Boyle movie, 28 Days Later. I should say it's terribly agonizing, mostly due to all the dumb things the main character does. Photography is great though, and seeing London totally empty of people is awesome. That takes a lot of money to shoot, which explains the unmeasured product placement by Pepsi and others. There are some really stupid things - I dont understand why the infected don't eat each other.

I'd give it a out of 10. It's a very moralistic movie! I could draw these conclusions:
1 - Who would have said candy bars would save humankind
2 - I am not surprised by finding that the animal rights ecology fanatic guys would fuck the whole thing up
3 - If we are few trying to survive, the lead singer from Elbow (or anyone that looks like him) won't last long
3.1 - the dad-dying cliché still exists
4 - Army guys are war obsessed. It's true they save our asses lots of times, but that isn't an excuse for all the other shit behaviour.
5 - I think I should have rented a comedy movie tonight.

I'm not sure if you know, but Justin Timberlake, when recording his album, was given a great help by Timbaland the producer, among others. I should point out a woodchuck-lumberjacking theme here. I decided to investigate and I can now reveal that both artists will do a new song in collaboration with the new latin sensation, the new Ricky Martin, the new argentine star, Woody Piñata. You might not have heard about him yet, but if you read the fine print on the booklet of the Panchito Choir of South America's new cd, you'll see he's credited.

Stop! In the name of love! Before you break my heart!
Stop! The cabmeter! Otherwise im gonna pay a bundle!
Stop! The flies that lodge in my eyes and suck the fluid off my eyelids!
Stop! The woodpeckers! Pecking my kneecaps! I won't finish the marathon!
Stop! Stop stopping! You must carry on! Fucking! - by the way, a little note: if the US pull out of Iraq and don't fuck them till the end, we're all gonna be screwed.
Stop! Rod Stewart! (ok this is like 30 years old)
Stop! Stealing! You black motherfuckers im gonna fuck those monkey faces you fuckers go back to your country doggystyle some mullato bitches and catch aids you motherfuckers shame on you for mugging people why do you have to be in gangs you think you're so cool go get fucked in the ass. (no i dont support minorities)
Stop! Stealing! You governamental motherfuckers who let gangs go around the cities and you dont give a fuck about health and a fuck about education and a fuck about basically anything that isnt the budget you motherfuckers and advertising companies who lick the great consumer ass who is also dumb as fuck and deserves all the stupid shit he can get. (no i dont support the majority)
Stop! I'll stop.

An elephaaaant
balanced itseeelf
on a spiderweeeeeb
Since they saw
he wouldn't fall,
they went to get another elephaaaaant.

And then a firefiiiiighter
And Michael Knight (er)
arf arf bzzt woof woof arf tzzt tzzt

To renoun is nothing more than to resubstantivate.

I would like to clear up something. Some friends of mine have been getting my blog's name wrong and I'm posting this to explain that this blog is called "What Is A Blog" and not "Blog of Infinite Resources". That's just a mere characteristic and there is certainly no room for complancy, ha ha ha - a politician's joke. Or: "and so he said '... but the infection is in the upper right exoskeleton! ha ha ha!'" - a doctor's joke.

The best thing I've seen on tv lately is:

"BULLIMIC BITCHES IN ACTION"

I taped it and, each time I see it, I just can't stop laughing.

"Yesterday I yielded to the temptations of Christ and charged with great might against the graffiti laden mural that surrounded the convent, fourteen naked nuns used their vests as rags to clean up human degradation (image of Jesus blowing His nose).
Suddenly Marcus Antonius appeared with a sword up his broadside. The blood was as black as his erect member that thrived decisively against the biggest ass of religious origins. The nun cries out with pleasure in her reveries well inside her. Note: Chagall shows up with his sailor suit and tries to pick up the passers by in Chinatown. Mark Twain fucks Hemingway while Broadway burns spontaneously at night..."

WARNING

Be Careful Of Parasite Turtles!

Yes, it's true. The Bloodthirsty Summer Stella Artois Turtles having been attacking people worldwide over the past few years, but no one seems to notice. They attack preferibly at summer music festivals, because there you can often find people in a quite altered and peaceful state, who are easy prey to these turtles' terribly slow attacks.

They viciously attack boys, slowly crawling onto the uncautious sleepy-head, until they bite his groin and feed off his blood, remaining there for a mininum of 5 days and a maximum of 6. These shelled buggers install themselves on the guy's dangly area and force them to walk around for days with a bump in their privates. Which explains the great and frequent dissapointments that girls get when they lower their undies. It looked so big!

So watch out kids.

nherf nherf nherf papapapapapappapappapapapappaa pa dinky. tutti frutti squirrels. percentage, fire and aardvark puddings. on toast. with trevor horn. maybe tomorrow, maybe its not. maybe yesterday, i just forgot. worky on the side, who is green, nothing is allowed. common. pierced but not again, oh no no. spanky on the hill, crimes and sausages of fish. food. inflation. document towards. and whatnot

NEW TENDENCIES FOR 2004:

Walking around
Ferrets
Cabernet Sauvignon
Going to the Euro
Iguana
Orange
Orange - a cor
Cough gums
Mary had a little lamb
Checkered pants
Pants on chessboard
Sambodrome
Wearing castanets in your hair
Waking up the neighbour
Waking up with the neighbour's wife (very in)
Taking your shoes off at parties
Bars for vikings
Broccoli fart smell
Thai food
Turkish massages
Tandoori bathing
Rollerblades
Hair with 3 or more colours
Carrying on shaving your pussy (everyone is grateful)
Taking baths
Kill Bill II
Not cutting your hair more than twice a year
Not wearing underwear (men)
Unsequelled movies
Neil Young
Brushing your teeth on the streets, after leaving the house
Electric nailcutter
Savoy
Cabbage lombarde
Speaking japanese
Achieve a major worldwide feat
Not dying
Call Bush some more names
Conjure
Conjugate
Read Kissinger's new book
Using your right sock on your left foot and the left sock on the right foot
Confusing yourself and using two socks on the same foot and none on the other
People called Magdalena
Remake of Matrix: Revolutions
Remembering the past
Living the present
Embrace the future
Dedication, Effort, Piercings and Glory
Genital stimulation
Current account
Personal airplanes for one person only

Um Bongo was originally made by hash pipe smoking people. Seems quite obvious to me.

New Chocolate Chips Ahoy? Why "new"? Chips Ahoy have always had chocolate! We're not exactly saying they have oyster flavour now, are we? It's the same thing as saying dories now taste of fish. Stupid advertising cunts.

A DOOR UNOPENED

Hello deer friends (moo). I must tell you I have recently discovered a golden market opportunity. And it isn't the first time this happens, either. In the long gone 1997 I was claiming the shortage (or non-existance) of game shows on Portuguese television. We had none. And look at us now.

But that is beside the point. The question at hand is this. If we eat sausages out of everything, why not start making fish sausages? My friend Sebastiao thought globally and named them Fishausages. But he's not getting any money. Bad luck.

Doesn't make any sense, you say? It makes perfect sense! Put them kids eating fish hotdogs! Lotsa lotsa proteins! (in their asses, the brats) Besides, we should claim the croissant as being Portuguese. Because it is! As early as the XIVth century, Portugal was making the first croissants. Only we stuffed them with dog-fish. See the difference between "croissant" and "cação" (a bit like "casson", dog-fish in Portuguese)? I know, I'm right.

So here is my latest market incursion, since the long-gone Pineapple Nutella.

LYRIC UPDATE

If the 80's hit Living in a Box had been written today, instead of hearing:

I'm a livin' in a box
I'm a livin' in a cardboard box,

one would hear:

I'm a lil' vagina box
I'm a lil' vagina cardboard box

The Metudus Satanikus (Satanic Methods) would like to inform that their latest single, "Gimme Pint", was inspired from the singer's posterior life experience.

And now, the most recent research...
THE STUPIDEST NAMES IN ROCK

Lux Interior - The Cramps
Klaus Fluoride - Dead Kennedys
Neville Staples - The Specials
Joey Shithead - D.O.A.
Jughead - Screeching Weasel
Chuck Loose - The Crumbs
Chuck Biscuits - Danzig
Animal - Anti Nowhere League
Rat Scabies - The Damned
Noodles - Offspring
Robert Gotobed - Wire
Steve Ignorant - Crass
Topper Headon - The Clash
Monkey - The Adicts
Rich Tea - Essential Logic
Poly Styrene - X-Ray Spex
Palm Olive - The Slits
Hi-Fi Harris - The Rezillos
Billy Zoom - X
Lucky Nothing - Accustomed to Nothing
Derf Scratch - Fear
Derby Crash - The Germs
Hornsey Transfer - Wire
Tre Cool - Green Day
Handsome Dick Manitoba - The Dictators
Foot - Special 69
Human - The vandals
Jerry Only - Misfits
Steve Pregnant - Microdisney
Rusty Egon - The Rich Kids
Pickle - Spork
Faye Five - The Rezillos
Jimmy Zero - The Dead Boys
Bob 1 - Devo
Bob 2 - Devo
Emil Four & a Half - The Crumbs
Fat Mike - NoFX
Dogbowl - King Missile
Lydia Lunch
Dr. Chad - Misfits
Spiral Stairs - Pavement